"shwoosh shwoosh; my heart fails"

Nothing
can take the longing...
...that tingle...

Oh, boy...
my fingertips tracing the shape of your
OHSOBEAUTIFUL body...

So many shades of themostperfectgray
(within your arms)
....and I don't ever want to see another color...

OH, my most beautiful lover...
I will always love
-alltheselittlemomentsofforever-
...you...

my soul...
will never let go...
even if I /hidemyheart\...
you....

Oh, BOY....
wanna watch the sun rise and set on your gorgeous face....

wanna be the one to rise...
BETHE WORLDWITHYOU.

Nothing, Boy...
and anything at all....

risin'

I wish that we could just fight about somethin that matter
Quit talkin, an screamin', an all this useless chatter
tryna find a way out of this confusion
looks like no matter what both of us is losin'
so we stay on this cycle and ride it round and round
never loved nobody like you
now my love is burnin down
and I'm pouring more fuel on the flame
ya know they say love is all a game
well baby I don't wanna play no more
smack that shit to floor
cuz everything I try ends up feeling so wrong
just need to clear my head
just need to get out and get my life movin on
so I'm gone...and you alone.
and now you wanna try
now you wanna survive
bring the ashes back to life
and I ain't tryna hear you
No you ain't gone get through
Cuz now I've seen what a real love is
no baby you ain't never had nothin even close to this
and no baby your sex ain't even close to his
oh shit...I don't mean to dis
but you over there cryin'
and now I'm over here....lovin', flyin'
Gone stay higher
cuz while my love was burnin down
and you was actin' like a clown
I found something in the ashes
more than just your box of matches
That girl you drown
do you remember her
oh I got that fire
lovin', flyin'
and I ain't EVER comin' down....

"...Why is this so hard...this should be the easy part..."

Been listen to lots of music lately. Gives me an escape from my own mind. Lose myself in the rhythm. Made some good realizations in the past few days. I'm actually looking forward to Kansas now. I'll have a job and more independence when we live there. That's what I really feel like I need to truly be happy. To just not need anyone.

I've been thinking about sex a lot lately. Josh gives it to me so good. I think he is realizing that he needs to try still and not just possess me. I love when he tries. Makes me feel good about myself. I need to clean. Blog later.

Crystal

There are friends. Then there are semi-friends. There are friends that you like, but don't trust. There are friends that should NEVER know anything because they cant keep there mouth shut! I feel betrayed bitch! No you didn't tell the whole world...YET! I'm not upset that Dee knows...just upset that Crystal is the manipulator from hell...and she's trying something....I don't trust you! I DO NOT trust you! Next thing I know, the whole neighborhood will be talking about me...when they are...I'll be talking to her husband about her. THE END.

round and round we go

Cleaning and listening to reggae this morning. Feeling better than yesterday. "ECSTASY IS IN THE AIR!" I love music! And dancing!

Going to have a good day today...I'm hoping anyway! Maybe things will work out.

My heart is PUMPING!

Somewhere over the Rainbow - Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole

I AM A BLUEBIRD!

"A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?" - Albert Einstein

Lately, I REALLY just don't know. Sometimes I'm completely convinced I'm losing my mind. The only thing keeping me grounded are my babies. I feel like things are spinning out of control. And maybe I'm a control freak...a lil OCD...I'll be the first to admit it. Josh's Army career is coming to an end so quickly. I'm terrified of the next 6 months. So many changes. I'm not at all ready to move to Kansas.

And then there's Josh...all together.

I hate the way he makes me feel. Like I'm nothing. I give so much and I feel like my feelings don't matter. Like I don't matter. OH...tell me I'm silly...tell me it's all in my head...tell me you love me and want me and are sexually attracted to me to the point of no return...blah blah blah...

I've heard it. It's the way you make me feel that matters. And I feel like I'm NOTHING to you.

The love of my life...

I'm so out of it. My mom's fiasco on my birthday of all days. "Hey! I'm MOM OF THE YEAR! I tried to slit my wrists on my daughter's BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE!" Oh...I was so blessed with sanity running through my genes. Which is why I'm soooooo very GRATEFUL for my father. THE part of me that keeps me from drowning is him....it came from him! And I love him everyday for it!

Ugggggg! Sometimes I just need to vent.