3am

Lately, I feel like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders.  I've found myself growing up, trying to be a good parent, trying to do the best thing for my children. Not just in a "you're taken care of way," but a nurturing, I wanna give you the best of everything, including myself, way. My husband got out of the military in mid-March and has yet to find a job. I feel like he isn't even trying, despite seeing for myself that he has applied to numerous jobs. I'm just sick of hearing excuses and even the words ,"I'm trying." are becoming ever more annoying. I don't feel supported. I feel like I'm the only one that sees that our family in going under. Our financial situation is so ridiculously bad that I'm not even sure where gas money for driving back and forth to work will come from. I get payed tomorrow and my entire check is gone before I even get it. I'm stressed to the max. This morning I picked Josh up so that he could go take care of his unemployment that isn't coming in atm. When he was dropping me off at work I told him that we only had 23 bucks in the bank and that he should put it all in gas because we don't know when we will have more money for gas. As soon as he left, he went directly to the gas station and bought a can of dip. Then drove on to a gas station that has much cheaper gas and put 20 in the tank. I know this seems trivial and petty that I'm angry about it, but you must know the history. When we got together, Josh didn't smoke or dip. These are things I NEVER wanted in a partner. While he was in training, he began dipping and continued, despite my begging him to stop for the entire duration of our marriage. So, in a way, it was a slap in the face by him going straight to buy it after I specifically asked him to put all the money we have left into the gas tank. Last Sunday, I gave him an ultimatum. Told him that he had to get a job or I would move out and he told me to get my shit and leave. That he doesn't care about me anymore. The Saturday before, he actually had the nerve to say to me, "No wonder McKenna beat the shit outta you."  He's breaking my heart a little more every day/week/hour. I'm becoming hard to him; putting up walls; getting numb to him period.. There is not enough of my heart left to allow him to keep breaking pieces away. I love him. I really love him. But I will take care of my children above all else. My mind is flying in a million different ways. I hope I can make the right decisions for my family. Until then...numbness, I suppose.